Am I Really Living My Best Life? Coming Clean with the Struggle.

Grace takes the moments that make you question your life and turns them into pillars of the faithfulness of God.

Yep, that's puke. It's moments like these that make me question whether I am living my best life or not. It doesn't seem like much here and now - after all, children are a mother's heart and a little puke can't touch that. But in the moment, consumed by stress and worry and illness and can make current life seem a little questionable.

Maybe you have never questioned your life. Well, I have. And do often. Maybe it's just the thorn in my flesh and a part of my journey, but stress and things I can't understand build up and usually lead me to search through tears for the reason God gave me the wrong life to live.

What I say to Him usually goes something like this, "I was made for something more than puke and stress. I can feel it in my heart, God I think you made a mistake, I think I should be living HER life. I should be achieving things and chasing big dreams, not cleaning up puke and struggling to make it through, I shouldn't have to fight for my marriage and go through people's betrayal, I shouldn't have to go through custody battles from a relationship 9 years ago and deal with lawyers all the time, I shouldn't have to be questioning You, God, and whether you're good or not or near or not. I should have the best friends, my words heard, perfect faith and temperament, and a smooth sailing life, I've been through enough! I should have all this figured out and I should be living my BEST life, God, not this one!"

And then I stop dead in my thoughts.

Immediately a film plays behind my tear soaked eyes.

I see my baptism and the addiction gone.

I watch my lifestyle change in hindsight as I just sought-after God.

I see the very thing I prayed in agony over become real life. Custody of my daughter whom I hadn't seen for years due to my bad choices.

I see the birth of my girls.

I see the salvation of family members who were "too far gone inside".

I see my husband's dreams come true.

I see every moment of the undeniable faithfulness of God.

It isn't like the Spirit is showing me in a condescending way either, it is a gentle reminder every single time.

I remember the moments long ago like the one I'm currently in. The desperate pleas for God to be real and near and here. Him showing up, every single time.

So I hold on and I remind myself it's just a little puke. Literally and metaphorically. And God is faithful. I may not see it or really even believe it right now. But He always came through before and I didn't think there was any way He could back then either. The movie reel of clips of my life reminds me in my darkest moments He always ended up coming through.

So I cling to the hope that I AM actually living my best life. A life not of Fame and money and achievements, but a life of ups and downs, good times and bad times, real raw life, a life honestly totally dependant on the redemptive grace of Jesus.

Our best life is one that depends on that every moment we are breathing, the redemptive grace of Jesus.

Say it again.

The redemptive grace of Jesus.

The redemptive grace of Jesus.

That grace takes the moments that make you question your life and turns them into pillars of the faithfulness of God.

It's not perfect, no, and it was never meant to be. Because of the redemptive grace I am living my VERY best life. Puke and all.

And if you're life is entirely, completely, and wholly reliant on the redemptive grace of Jesus, then you are living your best life too.